As ol’ Ben Franklin used to say: in this world, nothing can be said to be certain… except for death and taxes. And that’s very much true, but I think it’s time to update the age-old saying for the modern era. Indeed, there are three things that can be said to be certain in life: death, taxes, and Angela’s heavenly thighs. In case you were wondering, we’re going to be prominently discussing the last thing on that list, so uh… buckle in, buckos.
It is the year 2020. Mankind is in peril. Only two states of being remain: you’re either a vtuber, or secretly made of cake. In these uncertain times, we understandably need ways to relax. Ways to tune out the chaos that rages beyond the safety of our homes. Indeed, in times like this, we need… horny Japanese girls whispering sweet nothings into our ears. And so, I’ve traveled far and wide across the pornscape in order to bring you something different. Something we haven’t quite dipped our toes into on this here humble blog.
Today, with great pleasure, and in firm defiance of the cultural travesty known as No Nut November, I bring you a succulent gift from the heavens: ero-ASMR.
As you may or may not know, I’m quite fond of the Taimanin series. I mean, what’s not to like about a franchise revolving around ass-kicking ninja girls in skin tight outfits getting entangled in all sorts of misadventures that more often than not result in them having their shit pushed in, both literally and figuratively? Wanton anal tyranny aside, though, I do genuinely enjoy the Taimanin universe, and Lilith games in general. They provide me with a dark, sadomasochistic, ahegao-filled happy place in a barren wasteland of endless love comedies and milquetoast romances, and as such, I do deeply appreciate their existence.
With Action Taimanin, the all-ages hack & slash gacha game now out on both PC and mobile platforms, one cannot help but ask a very obvious, but nonetheless important question: can you still enjoy a Taimanin title without its signature blend of cum-spraying, womb-busting, virgin-slaying deluge of debauchery? Let’s find out.
I realize it’s been a while since I’ve penned a review about an interactive morality crisis (also known as a hardcore fetish nukige), but worry not, I’ve been working tirelessly in the shadows, reading, planning, researching. And as a result, today, on this perfectly normal late winter day, I’m here to bring you yet another episode of this esteemed series, in which I mostly just talk about all the kinky shit I’ve been tickling the ol’ pickle to. So, what’s on the docket this time, you ask?
Well… let’s just say that if a certain gentleman by the name of Sigmund Freud was alive today, boy oh boy would he have things to say about this one. Bloke’s been dead since 1939, though, so instead you’ll just have to make do with yours truly. Anyway, to cut a long story short, this game is bold, sexy, outrageous on every possible level and in all the best, juiciest ways; it’s an eroge that completely and unapologetically revels in just how balls-to-the-wall horny it is – in other words, it’s bloody amazing.
ライトニング リターンズ ファイナルファンタジーXIII
If you’ve been following this blog for a while now, you may remember that back in 2016, I played the original Final Fantasy XIII to completion and found it to be… a decidedly okay experience. It wasn’t a particularly memorable title and it does bleed from several wounds, but I can’t say I share the same level of disdain for it as a lot of other people. That very same year, I had the misfortune of also playing its abandoned stepchild of a sequel, Final Fantasy XIII-2, which then became my least favorite Final Fantasy game of all time. Yeah. To say the series took a nosedive with this entry would be an understatement; in fact, XIII-2 soured me on the entire XIII series, and in an attempt to alleviate the pain it had so insidiously inflicted upon me, I never went on to finish the trilogy with Lightning Returns. Not the smartest move in retrospect, but allow me to elaborate. It took three goddamn years for the mental scars to heal and for me to consider returning to the XIII saga to finish what I had started. And it was totally worth it. Lightning Returns, as you might’ve guessed from the title alone, revolves around Lightning Returning (shocking, I know) and is actually a pretty good game, all things considered.
Demonbane is a VN that sounds amazing on paper (giant robots + H.P. Lovecraft) but sadly ends up being a largely mediocre and occasionally outright sleep-inducing experience. Which is a crying shame because not only am I a fan of Lovecraft’s horror stories but I do also enjoy me a hot-blooded, buttfuck-stupid-but-still-awesome testosterone carnival from time to time, so this sounded like something right up my alley. The problem, however, is that Demonbane’s Lovecraftian influences are surface-level at best, its plot is riddled with stale clichés and predictable elements, and its supposedly Boiling Hot Chuuni Action is colder than a penguin’s butthole. But at least it has a few nice characters, some serviceable comedy, and a total of one satisfying ending. Now, whether or not that’s enough to justify the massive time investment required to finish all three routes… is something I’ll come back to at the end of this review.
Spoilers: the answer will probably not surprise you.
I’m still in the middle of recharging my Serious Reviewer Energy after writing my semi-recent Muramasa post so you’ll have to excuse this review for being a touch more light-hearted in tone. But that’s okay because Chaos;Child has plenty of cute girls for us to talk about. And it’s also a pretty decent VN with an addictive atmosphere and a great cast that’ll have you glued to your seat for the most part. Well, until the character routes happen, at any rate. But we’ll get to that later.
Note: Spoilers were hidden via rot13. Like, we’re talking pretty major spoilers here. Obviously don’t read them unless you’re familiar with the VN or simply don’t mind being spoiled.
Oujo & Onna Kishi, or That Time I Got Tired of Being a Princess so I Became a Living Semen Tank, is a carefully constructed, lovingly told tale of a girl… who just couldn’t keep her horny in check. A moving Bildungsroman for the ages, it speaks of societal pressure, the pitfalls of monarchies, and lays out in careful detail how… fucking amazing orc dicks feel when they’re smashing against your womb like a jackhammer. It’s a salacious story of self-orchestrated ruin in which a girl breaks free from the moral and ethical shackles of her time to partake in degeneracy so extreme, so depraved, so… thoroughly wonderful, that I cannot help but want to applaud her.
It’s also a pretty decent nukige if you just wanna beat your meat to a girl getting fisted in the nipple.
Soukou Akki Muramasa, also known as Full Metal Daemon Muramasa, has a bit of a reputation in the eroge scene. Written by Narahara Ittetsu (Hanachirasu) and developed/published by Nitroplus, Muramasa is considered by many to be one of the greatest greats of its genre, a work that stands as a shining example of complex, meaningful storytelling through the medium of visual novels. It’s a game that tackles powerful themes and proceeds to explore them in breathtaking detail with the help of a large cast of multifaceted characters; Narahara’s tale is one of politics and warfare, justice and vengeance, sin and penitence – and it’s the kind of eye-opener everyone needs to experience at least once.
This is a work that excites me and ignites my passion in ways few other things can, and if I’m able to convey at least a tiny fraction of that excitement through this post, I will have succeeded in what I set out to do.